I never imagined the kind of suffocation I would get, but I'm really feeling it now.
It hurts inside, but I cannot show, tell, or let out. I am a prisoner of my own actions. Social media is my window to the outside world, but it's a fixed window. I can see all the fun and laughter and rainbows and rain, but I cannot partake in it. I can shout at the top of my lungs but no one's listening.
I know she's hurting too, much more than me. A hundred times more than me. And I shouldn't be like this. I should plan my own future from now. Start taking actions. Make good use of my time and freedom. But it's so suffocating to know that whatever I do would affect her healing process. So much more so that we agreed to remain as friends. I don't want to hurt her further.
I really don't know why everyone wants to be friends. I feel so suffocated. So much trying involved. So much restraint, so much morality. Feelings and longing must be ruthlessly thrown to the far end of the mind. That's what I'm struggling with. It's like negotiating a route at the highest peaks of our world's mountains. Breathless, trudging, isolated.
I hoped it would be alright, but it's harder than I thought. What a double-whammy. Fuck.
