It is always not easy saying goodbye. Today, I, for the second time, said goodbye to friends I've made over the course of a semester. Last semester, I was in the straggler position. This semester I am in the position of a graduate. It feels so surreal. I'm going to graduate in 4 days.
This room. This freaking room. The feels. It is this room where all the friendships formed. From reynold and nicholas for nm4225, reynold and nicholas again with the addition of szeming and hong bor for nm4227, to regina, biscuit, shiyun, john, chris and the whole gang of nm4226, all the friendships were borned out of this room. I'll never forget our unique and wacky class discussions, led by none other than reynold the resident emcee, and all the laughter and work that comes with them.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Wednesday, November 05, 2014
Graduating Thoughts: Utown
Utown. One of the little things that make my uni life awesome.
Countdown to graduation: 1.5 more weeks.
Utown gave me hope that my university wasn't as ugly as it seemed. It was rather representative of my university life as a whole.
There were days where I didn't want to leave my bed for school. Then there were the days where I didn't want to go home from school. People like Reynold, Regina, Edwin, Biscuit, Shiyun, Shing, Jason, they were my "Utown". They beautified my university life. Sometimes I feel like I was made to go through the tough road of the first 3 years of university to truly appreciate and cherish these people.
Utown boasts many of my favourite memories. From mugging with Nicholas and Sheila in the PC commons to doing up the AR mockup for Weiquan with Yi Wei and Ha, also in the same room, I had such a wide variety of memories there. The time where I ate my first buah keluak made skillfully by Reynold's mum in Koufu, to bio-ing all the chio-bus that congregate in utown; the CNM Homecoming dinner where I had free NUS lion soft-toys (to be later taken away by my good friend and now successful actor Jaspers Lai :p ), to the "painful" memory of my best university friends celebrating their graduation right before my eyes at the meticulously maintained grass patch, all vividly play in my mind every time I step in the boundaries of Utown. But that is not all. When I thought that my last semester would be a boring one, new memories were forged with the young (really young) and spunky ladies in my location-based experiences project group. Tongwei, Shermaine, Vanessa and Eehwee are like blessing showers. We most probably would not meet after the end of the module, but all the tutorials in Utown were most probably the easiest 10am timeslot to wake up to.
I never once thought much about this place, but layer by layer, the sense of place grew and festered quietly like a shy little boy in the corner of a room. I can't say that the sense of place in Utown is as emotional or close-to-heart as say, my faculty's building or even Arts building, but as a whole, it brought me much joy and happiness and I really appreciate this place and everyone that I interacted with in there.
Sunday, May 04, 2014
Revel In Isolation, Try.
What a difference a week makes. My blog, you have the honour of listening in to my deepest thoughts.
I never imagined the kind of suffocation I would get, but I'm really feeling it now.
It hurts inside, but I cannot show, tell, or let out. I am a prisoner of my own actions. Social media is my window to the outside world, but it's a fixed window. I can see all the fun and laughter and rainbows and rain, but I cannot partake in it. I can shout at the top of my lungs but no one's listening.
I know she's hurting too, much more than me. A hundred times more than me. And I shouldn't be like this. I should plan my own future from now. Start taking actions. Make good use of my time and freedom. But it's so suffocating to know that whatever I do would affect her healing process. So much more so that we agreed to remain as friends. I don't want to hurt her further.
I really don't know why everyone wants to be friends. I feel so suffocated. So much trying involved. So much restraint, so much morality. Feelings and longing must be ruthlessly thrown to the far end of the mind. That's what I'm struggling with. It's like negotiating a route at the highest peaks of our world's mountains. Breathless, trudging, isolated.
I hoped it would be alright, but it's harder than I thought. What a double-whammy. Fuck.
I never imagined the kind of suffocation I would get, but I'm really feeling it now.
It hurts inside, but I cannot show, tell, or let out. I am a prisoner of my own actions. Social media is my window to the outside world, but it's a fixed window. I can see all the fun and laughter and rainbows and rain, but I cannot partake in it. I can shout at the top of my lungs but no one's listening.
I know she's hurting too, much more than me. A hundred times more than me. And I shouldn't be like this. I should plan my own future from now. Start taking actions. Make good use of my time and freedom. But it's so suffocating to know that whatever I do would affect her healing process. So much more so that we agreed to remain as friends. I don't want to hurt her further.
I really don't know why everyone wants to be friends. I feel so suffocated. So much trying involved. So much restraint, so much morality. Feelings and longing must be ruthlessly thrown to the far end of the mind. That's what I'm struggling with. It's like negotiating a route at the highest peaks of our world's mountains. Breathless, trudging, isolated.
I hoped it would be alright, but it's harder than I thought. What a double-whammy. Fuck.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Dang
It is finally sinking in.
It's the last day of #projecthappygradfriends and #memorycapsuling. I can't fathom what will happen later, but face it I will. It's very strange this semester, that on the day of two big final presentations, I'm not thinking about the lack of preparations for the presentations or what would happen during them. The only thing that's on my mind now are my friends. That moment of truth that today will be the final time I'll be experiencing school with my buddies is really hard to swallow. The mental images of saying goodbyes are killing me. The preparation to say goodbye is the worst process I can hope for. But in a few hours time, it is going to play out however I try to deny it. This is reality. I can't stop it, nor can I force myself to embrace it.
Reynold made a collage for me just before I wrote this. I saw it 5am in the morning. I could not bring myself to go back to sleep again, for sleep robs all the little time I have left in this moment, the moment where I'm still studying in the same school with them. All's fine, I can continue working on the prototype to give my final contributions to their school lives.
I hope everything will go as planned later. It's nothing to do with the presentations.
Update:
It's the last day of #projecthappygradfriends and #memorycapsuling. I can't fathom what will happen later, but face it I will. It's very strange this semester, that on the day of two big final presentations, I'm not thinking about the lack of preparations for the presentations or what would happen during them. The only thing that's on my mind now are my friends. That moment of truth that today will be the final time I'll be experiencing school with my buddies is really hard to swallow. The mental images of saying goodbyes are killing me. The preparation to say goodbye is the worst process I can hope for. But in a few hours time, it is going to play out however I try to deny it. This is reality. I can't stop it, nor can I force myself to embrace it.
Reynold made a collage for me just before I wrote this. I saw it 5am in the morning. I could not bring myself to go back to sleep again, for sleep robs all the little time I have left in this moment, the moment where I'm still studying in the same school with them. All's fine, I can continue working on the prototype to give my final contributions to their school lives.
I hope everything will go as planned later. It's nothing to do with the presentations.
Update:
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Here I Am, Where Nobody Knows. Here I'll Be, When Everyone Goes.
Here I am, where nobody knows.
Here I'll be, when everyone goes.
It's like the same thing all over again.
Melancholy coursing through my veins.
The longing that can't be said, nothing to do with them.
It's no one's fault that we're parting.
It's just the way we met.
We were merely navigating the crossroads.
Isn't it strange that I feel so much,
Without knowing whether they are as touched.
I am strong, but strong is strong.
Strong is nothing but resistance to belong.
Madness this world, topsy-turvy.
I was here and now I'm not.
They were here and they are not.
I didn't care but now I'm lost.
Everyone goes, eventually me too.
For now, let me.
Because here I am, not for naught.
I feel, for people, I am, I saw.
- Dedicated to my graduating friends of 2014.
L.Shijie
It's been so long since I've used this blog. Now it's become a desolate little cyber space. Which is totally fine by me. Just a little sweep of the dry leaves and clearing up of the cob webs and I can crawl up into a little ball at a little corner of this space, paste unpoetic poems and ugly posters on the walls, or simply shout at the top of my lungs, because it wouldn't matter. I can be totally emo, or be true to myself. Because no one would judge. And so I'll start by clearing up the mess.
The last post was more than 2 years ago? It was about gratitude. In this post to renew the blog, I shall also start with gratitude then.
Although the following people will probably not see this, I believe they can feel it already. Besides, gratitude is from the heart and doesn't need to be seen.
Thank you, the graduating Shiyun, Reynold, Regina, Shing, Nicholas, Edwin, Kai Che and Xinyi for giving me the chance to live out such a wonderful university semester. It has honestly been the best semester that I could have wished for. I have no regrets taking all the modules in Year 4 / Semester 2 of my NUS B.Comp(Communications and Media) journey even though the workload is shit, even though I have to face coding, and even though I have to face less than pleasant seminar structures and syllabus. I really appreciate all the great times that you created for me, small or large, significant or trivial, sombre or hilarious. They all contributed into the weaving of a wonderful memory for me, and I will forever remember all that we went through.
I thank Reynold specifically for influencing me to become myself. For being the catalyst to all these great memories for me. For talking to me most sincerely and giving me strength to trust myself and believe. I thank Shiyun for always being there for me. For all the late nights and late-for-class moments and for being so cheerful and spontaneous all the time. For being present in almost all of my joyous moments of this semester. More simply, for being in this semester with me. To me, you are this semester, and without you, this semester will not be the same. I thank Regina for all the crazy and fun moments and doing stupid stuff together. I love how every moment with you creates a brighter and more lasting memory for me. I thank Shing for bringing spontaneity to the next level which I absolutely cherish and love, and just being the fun-loving you. I thank Nicholas for being such a great teammate and being in the best school project group that I have ever been involved in (NM4225). I thank Edwin for your bubbly and adorable character and your never-ending antics to brighten up my day. I thank Kai Che for being a leader, a cheerleader, and a fantastic friend. Last but not least I thank Xinyi for being there to humour me and to add value to my antics in school.
When nobody understood me, these people did. Or at least they tried. They gave me so much strength such that I even dared to do a skit for a final presentation. The transformation I went through will never happen without these people.
This semester was a blockbuster. However, this blockbuster of a semester is (unofficially) ending in 3 days time. I really wish that we could create another such semester but I know it's impossible. It's hard to take it in now, because you hate to lose what you have and cherish, and to see it slowly disappearing right in front of your eyes is devastating. I would kill if I could turn back the time and get to know all of you earlier. I wish I could articulate my current feelings better and archive it here for memory capsuling, but for now I can only hope that ten years down the road, I would still have a healthy memory and remember this feeling. Because this feeling is so heartwarming and genuine. And these people too.
I would love to pen down all the epic moments we had for keepsake, but I'll leave it for later, or never, because at this current moment, 15 April 2014, 2:15 AM, the moments are still fresh in my heart, and the moments have not ended yet.
Can't say I'm looking forward to the next 3 school days, but I am. There's a bittersweet symphony playing in my heart right now.
Again, I know you guys probably wouldn't see this, but still,
Happy graduation and my best wishes.
Miss you guys already,
Shijie.
#projecthappygradfriends
Here I'll be, when everyone goes.
It's like the same thing all over again.
Melancholy coursing through my veins.
The longing that can't be said, nothing to do with them.
It's no one's fault that we're parting.
It's just the way we met.
We were merely navigating the crossroads.
Isn't it strange that I feel so much,
Without knowing whether they are as touched.
I am strong, but strong is strong.
Strong is nothing but resistance to belong.
Madness this world, topsy-turvy.
I was here and now I'm not.
They were here and they are not.
I didn't care but now I'm lost.
Everyone goes, eventually me too.
For now, let me.
Because here I am, not for naught.
I feel, for people, I am, I saw.
- Dedicated to my graduating friends of 2014.
L.Shijie
It's been so long since I've used this blog. Now it's become a desolate little cyber space. Which is totally fine by me. Just a little sweep of the dry leaves and clearing up of the cob webs and I can crawl up into a little ball at a little corner of this space, paste unpoetic poems and ugly posters on the walls, or simply shout at the top of my lungs, because it wouldn't matter. I can be totally emo, or be true to myself. Because no one would judge. And so I'll start by clearing up the mess.
The last post was more than 2 years ago? It was about gratitude. In this post to renew the blog, I shall also start with gratitude then.
Although the following people will probably not see this, I believe they can feel it already. Besides, gratitude is from the heart and doesn't need to be seen.
Thank you, the graduating Shiyun, Reynold, Regina, Shing, Nicholas, Edwin, Kai Che and Xinyi for giving me the chance to live out such a wonderful university semester. It has honestly been the best semester that I could have wished for. I have no regrets taking all the modules in Year 4 / Semester 2 of my NUS B.Comp(Communications and Media) journey even though the workload is shit, even though I have to face coding, and even though I have to face less than pleasant seminar structures and syllabus. I really appreciate all the great times that you created for me, small or large, significant or trivial, sombre or hilarious. They all contributed into the weaving of a wonderful memory for me, and I will forever remember all that we went through.
I thank Reynold specifically for influencing me to become myself. For being the catalyst to all these great memories for me. For talking to me most sincerely and giving me strength to trust myself and believe. I thank Shiyun for always being there for me. For all the late nights and late-for-class moments and for being so cheerful and spontaneous all the time. For being present in almost all of my joyous moments of this semester. More simply, for being in this semester with me. To me, you are this semester, and without you, this semester will not be the same. I thank Regina for all the crazy and fun moments and doing stupid stuff together. I love how every moment with you creates a brighter and more lasting memory for me. I thank Shing for bringing spontaneity to the next level which I absolutely cherish and love, and just being the fun-loving you. I thank Nicholas for being such a great teammate and being in the best school project group that I have ever been involved in (NM4225). I thank Edwin for your bubbly and adorable character and your never-ending antics to brighten up my day. I thank Kai Che for being a leader, a cheerleader, and a fantastic friend. Last but not least I thank Xinyi for being there to humour me and to add value to my antics in school.
When nobody understood me, these people did. Or at least they tried. They gave me so much strength such that I even dared to do a skit for a final presentation. The transformation I went through will never happen without these people.
This semester was a blockbuster. However, this blockbuster of a semester is (unofficially) ending in 3 days time. I really wish that we could create another such semester but I know it's impossible. It's hard to take it in now, because you hate to lose what you have and cherish, and to see it slowly disappearing right in front of your eyes is devastating. I would kill if I could turn back the time and get to know all of you earlier. I wish I could articulate my current feelings better and archive it here for memory capsuling, but for now I can only hope that ten years down the road, I would still have a healthy memory and remember this feeling. Because this feeling is so heartwarming and genuine. And these people too.
I would love to pen down all the epic moments we had for keepsake, but I'll leave it for later, or never, because at this current moment, 15 April 2014, 2:15 AM, the moments are still fresh in my heart, and the moments have not ended yet.
Can't say I'm looking forward to the next 3 school days, but I am. There's a bittersweet symphony playing in my heart right now.
Again, I know you guys probably wouldn't see this, but still,
Happy graduation and my best wishes.
Miss you guys already,
Shijie.
#projecthappygradfriends
Monday, December 19, 2011
YES!!!
SO SO happy, blessed and contented.
I'm so new again. AHHhhh!!!!:DD
Thank you 2011!!! You've been awesome to me!!!
Thank you 19/12/11! You've been awesome to me.
Thanks buddy. You have my undeniable gratitude.
Thanks girl. :)
YES!
I'm so new again. AHHhhh!!!!:DD
Thank you 2011!!! You've been awesome to me!!!
Thank you 19/12/11! You've been awesome to me.
Thanks buddy. You have my undeniable gratitude.
Thanks girl. :)
YES!
*added on 29/12/11* And did I mention, I got good grades for this semester and I had a wonderful Taiwan trip! YES YES YES!!! Wooo!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
last stretch
this is for myself, for the finals in sem 1 yr 2, NUS.
"i'm striding forward in the rain, but i'm feeling the restriction.
i'm fighting the urge to follow the current, but the end is so near.
i'mma fight, and when i reach the end,
i'll count my scars and my pains."
c'mon sj.
"i'm striding forward in the rain, but i'm feeling the restriction.
i'm fighting the urge to follow the current, but the end is so near.
i'mma fight, and when i reach the end,
i'll count my scars and my pains."
c'mon sj.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
sarcasm
I don't understand why people dismiss 'busy' as purely an excuse. Do those people really know what goes on in the lives of others? Do they subconsciously put a scenario into the lives of others while dismissing their 'busy' as an excuse?
For a student, what constitutes most of his/her life? Studying. Research. Projects. And the list goes on. Put this in another context, say in the life of a working professional, and you get "you sure studying makes you THAT busy?' Well, lets examine the ripple effects of studying. First, let's delve into the fundamentals of studying. One studies to ace the exams (ok for me I'm fundamentally studying to pass, then ace), do well in school, get a good certificate. Others may say studying to some may be due to interest in a certain subjects. Granted, but let's not talk about the nerds (tongue-in-cheek) at this moment. So, for these reasons, we generate stress, and the need for rest. Should we be doing other things when we rest? If the answer was 'yes', then what the hell does 'rest' really mean again. That, we have to write another 3000 word essay to discuss. But you get my drift. So if rest and studying are essential, where do we put our free time into? Most probably into our mental well-being. We hang out with friends and nourish our social lives (we don't wanna turn into nerds do we? =p) In light of all these, where will we have the time and the conscience mind to remember something that is not of utmost priority? Things like getting a water bottle for myself because I lost all my bottles in the computer labs are at the back of our minds after a full day of studying! So does studying constitute as being 'busy'? I certainly think so.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
A momentary lapse of concentration slipped me back into murky waters, for a little while.
My Friend
I remember we were passing letters, notes.
There was a water stain,
blurred the words you wanted to say.
I knew you cried when you wrote.
You were brave but you were sold.
That I ain't the man you should keep hold.
I still keep the letters and notes.
I see the creases, like parallel lines,
left in place of your tear.
Reminds me of how you have moved on, braved on.
You must have had a rough ride,
but I'm glad you're alright.
I've seen you smile since then,
not personally, but definitely.
You must live on like this.
Only then I will feel less of a joke.
Four years and counting,
to make sure I truly love the next one.
Enchanted by the challenge no one understands.
Be right there when I call you,
be right there when I show you,
I'm happy again,
my friend.
I remember we were passing letters, notes.
There was a water stain,
blurred the words you wanted to say.
I knew you cried when you wrote.
You were brave but you were sold.
That I ain't the man you should keep hold.
I still keep the letters and notes.
I see the creases, like parallel lines,
left in place of your tear.
Reminds me of how you have moved on, braved on.
You must have had a rough ride,
but I'm glad you're alright.
I've seen you smile since then,
not personally, but definitely.
You must live on like this.
Only then I will feel less of a joke.
Four years and counting,
to make sure I truly love the next one.
Enchanted by the challenge no one understands.
Be right there when I call you,
be right there when I show you,
I'm happy again,
my friend.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Why are we chasing the high life, when all we want is a good life?
I'm gonna stop chasing the high life, 'cos all I want is a good life. This is a promise to myself.
Really B.o.B.? Seriously, really? *Thumbs down* I'd rather live within my means, with the girl of my dreams. Bye, high life dreams.
Really B.o.B.? Seriously, really? *Thumbs down* I'd rather live within my means, with the girl of my dreams. Bye, high life dreams.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Contrast
http://lshijie.blogspot.com/2006/05/i-bowled-well-in-yesterdays-bowling.html... This was posted in 2006, when I was still in CJ's bowling team. Reminded myself how much i enjoyed bowling then. Back then, everything was worth it, every sweat and effort. Sometimes I wonder to myself, how did I become like this.
On another note, while looking back at the posts, I found this post too. http://lshijie.blogspot.com/2006/11/happy-birthday.html... And I wonder, how did I manage to lie so blatantly. I obviously wasn't happy due to my immaturity. But how did I act like I was okay. I'm so amazed.
Talked to miss Gina Cheng a while ago, and unknowingly, was brought back to the times I did wrong. The classic line, "I'll live with this regret my whole life" came back to haunt me. It still holds true. If you, the one I let down in the autumn of 2006, are reading this post, coincidentally, please allow me to ask you how you're doing, albeit being 5 years late. Really wanna talk to you again.
Similarly, if you, the one who got married, happen to pass by this post, just for old times sake, leave me a contact? You simply disappeared without a trace. I really wanna know how you're doing too, I really, wanna, know.
Leaving this post with mixed feelings. Will I ever get over my inner demons? Maybe only if those 3 questions above are answered...
On another note, while looking back at the posts, I found this post too. http://lshijie.blogspot.com/2006/11/happy-birthday.html... And I wonder, how did I manage to lie so blatantly. I obviously wasn't happy due to my immaturity. But how did I act like I was okay. I'm so amazed.
Talked to miss Gina Cheng a while ago, and unknowingly, was brought back to the times I did wrong. The classic line, "I'll live with this regret my whole life" came back to haunt me. It still holds true. If you, the one I let down in the autumn of 2006, are reading this post, coincidentally, please allow me to ask you how you're doing, albeit being 5 years late. Really wanna talk to you again.
Similarly, if you, the one who got married, happen to pass by this post, just for old times sake, leave me a contact? You simply disappeared without a trace. I really wanna know how you're doing too, I really, wanna, know.
Leaving this post with mixed feelings. Will I ever get over my inner demons? Maybe only if those 3 questions above are answered...
Friday, August 12, 2011
I can finally cry.
I can finally cry to acknowledge the worst part of my life so far. But I'm not. Because I don't. But I finally know the genuine feeling of wanting to cry. Why, this realization of not being good enough is really killing me. The egoistic part of me is trying to deny everything and take all in its stride, but the pragmatic part of me has resigned to the fact. No one but one person can understand how I'm feeling right now.
The most pessimistic of the lot can say you're done, but I've never done that before. It's not in me to admit that. No one fucking knows. I create my own impressions. Most often or not, those impressions are the ones that make me look like a 17 year old, immature, headstrong and stubborn boy. I don't deny that I show those qualities, but in my head, I'm thinking what should I do to make myself do something better. This surmounts to me firstly acknowledging the fact that I sucked, and secondly, that I want to change, I want to be better. This extinguishes the idea of all the above qualities. However, this leads back to me having to acknowledge that I'm not good enough. Because I know I've tried.
What's the best solution to knowing you've tried but you're not good at all? That is a question most motivational-poster-lovers will answer with fervor. "Keep working at it and don't give up!". "Don't run away from it. Face the challenge." "One day you'll succeed!" I've heard them all. Tell me that in my face only when you've gone through 10 years of consecutive failures with your loved ones' high hopes, support and eyes on you being squandered again and again, to the point where they just treat another failure as trivial as breathing the air around you. Only then, will you be persuasive enough to even let me even register a breath of what you say. Or else, don't even bother.
I really hope I can extinguish the demons in my head. But this is not as simple as it looks. I really have a lot to do to banish the 10 years of consecutive disappointments from my system. A recording artiste has a song called "live. love. laugh." It really summarizes, for all I am, very well at the moment, for those three things have been sorely missing in my life.
.
live,
.love,
.laugh, shijie.
The most pessimistic of the lot can say you're done, but I've never done that before. It's not in me to admit that. No one fucking knows. I create my own impressions. Most often or not, those impressions are the ones that make me look like a 17 year old, immature, headstrong and stubborn boy. I don't deny that I show those qualities, but in my head, I'm thinking what should I do to make myself do something better. This surmounts to me firstly acknowledging the fact that I sucked, and secondly, that I want to change, I want to be better. This extinguishes the idea of all the above qualities. However, this leads back to me having to acknowledge that I'm not good enough. Because I know I've tried.
What's the best solution to knowing you've tried but you're not good at all? That is a question most motivational-poster-lovers will answer with fervor. "Keep working at it and don't give up!". "Don't run away from it. Face the challenge." "One day you'll succeed!" I've heard them all. Tell me that in my face only when you've gone through 10 years of consecutive failures with your loved ones' high hopes, support and eyes on you being squandered again and again, to the point where they just treat another failure as trivial as breathing the air around you. Only then, will you be persuasive enough to even let me even register a breath of what you say. Or else, don't even bother.
I really hope I can extinguish the demons in my head. But this is not as simple as it looks. I really have a lot to do to banish the 10 years of consecutive disappointments from my system. A recording artiste has a song called "live. love. laugh." It really summarizes, for all I am, very well at the moment, for those three things have been sorely missing in my life.
.
live,
.love,
.laugh, shijie.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
You're just amazing.
You get me speechless every single time. How in the world do you do that? I love it. :)