how long isit since i last posted in words??? well, looks like a large chunk of my life has not been documented and my future autobiography will lose a few pages of fun. haha.
writing on boxing day has a sense of coolness about it, doesn't it? choosing to revive my blog on boxing day, what a significant event! anws, most of my loved ones are back in singapore for their semester break or whatever shit they call it, and i'm more than delighted! been spending my hard earned money from tekong on nights out with them and it actually feels good and vindicated. looks like i served NS for this, huh. hahaha
i'm still waiting to find a job as it's my new year's resolution and thus i can't actually start finding one now. so i'm using this excuse to party and have as much fun as possible first. yes i said excuse because i know myself how lazy i am. i'm a bum. but i'mma happy bum! and i try to spread this happiness onto others! so i'm a good bum actually.
ALOT have happened since my last post. i don't even know when's my last post and i'm lazy as always to check. but it's good though 'cos since my last post i THINK i changed all my bad writing habits and became a more genuine writer. Everything's more genuine in life now. so yar, i probably gotta have to admit that i'm not as good as i made myself to be in the past posts, since i'm commited to a honest life now. i'm living life with my head above water now, you know, like just trapping water instead of trying to do all sorts of water acrobatics to gain attention from the world. why, appearing to be emo and troubled and all sorts of other attention-seeking tactics are so last season. why do you need to do that when you already have the best friends in the world? damn i was so stupid in the past. perhaps i didn't have the confidence to admit that i didn't have the necessary skills equipped to face the social world. i was like a third world country in the world called Society. well, i still ain't well equipped but at least i'm stepping out of my comfort zone. but to do that, i sometimes wonder if i was being true to myself, but i guess without sacrifices one can't achieve shit man. and anyways i actually wrote lyrics when i was so bored after i ord-ed!
this one is something that i came up with after listening to the freakin' irritating guys in cobra starship murder their song nice guys finish last. but weirdly i love them. they're great entertainers. yes so here goes:
Nice Guys
Good guys, nice guys, pure guys, angelic guys, yea
all the girls out there they dont know all the good things 'bout these guys
good guys, nice guys, pure guys, angelic guys, yea
they all give you a smile when you are down
won't say a thing to hurt you
they say that nice guys finish last
that's 'cause nice guys are always busy
ensuring that girls are happy
they have no eyes for the race
they wont even leave a trace
good guys, nice guys, pure guys, angelic guys, yea
are the guys that will
give you a word of advice
when you are lost and can't find your way
and when the day is dark and the dark is day
when you feel the it is your darkest day
the nice guys will come knocking on your door
give a warm hug and help you mop your floor
good guys may not be as much fun
as the guys that could give you a night of fun
but they will not leave you in the lurch
Good guys, nice guys, pure guys, angelic guys, yea
all the girls out there there dont know all the good things 'bout these guys
good guys, nice guys, pure guys, angelic guys, yea
they all give you a smile when you are down
won't say a thing to hurt you.
Woah! i'm so proud of myself. what hilarious lyrics. comic-con worthy. what, you really think so?
damn you. it's such sweet lyrics! well, there's bound to be someone who agrees with me! LOL.
so there, my boxing day entry. loves!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Friday, December 04, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
He Said She Said...
In the car after visiting B's grandfather...
~
B: Nobody should die alone...
A: I know he has Alzheimer's Disease, it's a terrible disease, but you know, at least he doesn't have to live with his regrets, you know, all the mistakes he made, and stuff that he wished he could take back...
B: ... yea... that's true. But i say give me regrets, as long as i could keep the good memories too...
~
so true isn't it.
~
B: Nobody should die alone...
A: I know he has Alzheimer's Disease, it's a terrible disease, but you know, at least he doesn't have to live with his regrets, you know, all the mistakes he made, and stuff that he wished he could take back...
B: ... yea... that's true. But i say give me regrets, as long as i could keep the good memories too...
~
so true isn't it.
Work Stress
Somehow after all the shit i've gone through. i still believe that "you reap what you sow". i don't know why. i still keep on trying my best. just need to say that i found out that i'm crippled in my ability to register things fast. i'm always a step behind of others. but i'm trying my best, and i always hope that is enough. apparently it's not.
on the 8th of april, i had to get ready some kind of showbunks for some JC visit, and i think that i did all that i should. eventually my superior found at least 10 more things that could be improved. i didn't know whether i was angry with the recuits or with myself then. i didn't recognise my own efforts anymore. i started blaming myself again for overlooking all the stuff that he found out. "why couldn't i do a better job?", i asked myself. at that point of time i actually thought that a divine voice would descend upon me and tell me the answer, but it only turned out to be a bitter disappointment. again i'm on my own.
maybe now i actually WANT to be alone. because the only companion i get now is disturbing me.
well, at least i think my brother is facing more difficulties than me at the moment. i think i should try my best to help him.
on the 8th of april, i had to get ready some kind of showbunks for some JC visit, and i think that i did all that i should. eventually my superior found at least 10 more things that could be improved. i didn't know whether i was angry with the recuits or with myself then. i didn't recognise my own efforts anymore. i started blaming myself again for overlooking all the stuff that he found out. "why couldn't i do a better job?", i asked myself. at that point of time i actually thought that a divine voice would descend upon me and tell me the answer, but it only turned out to be a bitter disappointment. again i'm on my own.
maybe now i actually WANT to be alone. because the only companion i get now is disturbing me.
well, at least i think my brother is facing more difficulties than me at the moment. i think i should try my best to help him.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Friday, April 03, 2009
It's a Wild World
today's internet tv marathon sparked off a vigorous mental exercise for me. i was watching this show about a group of teenagers struggling to find themselves and with their relationships. i couldn't help but become deeply engrossed in it. perhaps it's because i could really relate to it.
in the show, there's a girl who left her husband for some reasons. however, she realised her mistake and returned to him in the end. however, the husband has already given up on her and their relationship. well, i think i could have been in the shoes of that female character. yes the circumstances would be different but basically the idea would still be the same.
we all have choices we will have to make in times of our lives. the timing, circumstance and obligations all influence how we make those choices. i was a teenager who, like everyone else at that stage, was finding myself and the direction i was heading. i had just got out of a relationship and i had schoolwork to think about. somehow there was too much pressure on my conscience at that time. at the same time, i was scared, for for a retainee in an asian society, there was nothing more important than putting your studies back on track. i was also afraid what i felt was delusional, like a forced feeling to get away from a breakup. i thought about almost everything from every angle. i realised my decision to get attached again was rash... until i felt the emptiness in my life a few months later. it was a feeling i have never felt before, and one that i've been living with since.
CHOICES. a word that comes with great responsibility, because you'll have to live with whatever festers from that choice on, whether you like it or not.
in the show, there's a girl who left her husband for some reasons. however, she realised her mistake and returned to him in the end. however, the husband has already given up on her and their relationship. well, i think i could have been in the shoes of that female character. yes the circumstances would be different but basically the idea would still be the same.
we all have choices we will have to make in times of our lives. the timing, circumstance and obligations all influence how we make those choices. i was a teenager who, like everyone else at that stage, was finding myself and the direction i was heading. i had just got out of a relationship and i had schoolwork to think about. somehow there was too much pressure on my conscience at that time. at the same time, i was scared, for for a retainee in an asian society, there was nothing more important than putting your studies back on track. i was also afraid what i felt was delusional, like a forced feeling to get away from a breakup. i thought about almost everything from every angle. i realised my decision to get attached again was rash... until i felt the emptiness in my life a few months later. it was a feeling i have never felt before, and one that i've been living with since.
CHOICES. a word that comes with great responsibility, because you'll have to live with whatever festers from that choice on, whether you like it or not.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
i'm small enough, don't make me smaller
Agate Nesaule once wrote: "We have to believe that even the briefest of human connections can heal. Otherwise, life is unbearable".
Well, what is so great about human connections is that it gives you comfort, it makes you feel worthy, worthy of the life given to you. imagine you having earned the title of CEO of some huge company, but having no one to share your joy with. is there any true worth in your achievement no matter how hard you've worked for it? i have many connections, but somehow i feel lesser than how i used to feel.
Well, what is so great about human connections is that it gives you comfort, it makes you feel worthy, worthy of the life given to you. imagine you having earned the title of CEO of some huge company, but having no one to share your joy with. is there any true worth in your achievement no matter how hard you've worked for it? i have many connections, but somehow i feel lesser than how i used to feel.
Friday, February 06, 2009
Tired.
i feel unappreciated. life's tough having to play the game of cat and mouse with Recognition. as the old saying goes, "when you do work, people do nothing. when you rest, people look with disdain". i know this ain't the exact phrase, but perfection can just **** off. What i strive for, i don't really get. as always anyway...
why am i so useless??? i can't do anything right. i may seem playful and positive and all, but i'm not having all that crap planted in my brain. i know. i know what i'm worth. thanks for looking at me in a positive light. but i think i'm getting all too paranoid, paranoid that i'm always going down this endless road of failure and rising to the top of uselessness. i know i said mentioned paranoia, but one down the road, this will become true.
i'm just sorry i can't be what i imagine myself to be. i'm just sooo sorry.
why am i so useless??? i can't do anything right. i may seem playful and positive and all, but i'm not having all that crap planted in my brain. i know. i know what i'm worth. thanks for looking at me in a positive light. but i think i'm getting all too paranoid, paranoid that i'm always going down this endless road of failure and rising to the top of uselessness. i know i said mentioned paranoia, but one down the road, this will become true.
i'm just sorry i can't be what i imagine myself to be. i'm just sooo sorry.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The Best Things In Life Are Those That You Feel
i wake up in camp every morning feeling irritated. i always ask myself why the heck i'm always awake so early. but following the subsequent routine activities like brushing of teeth and getting ready to face another day, i will feel a sort of difference i can never explain.
i have never felt that little compelling feeling before. you know the confabulation that NS is all dark and gloom? well, initially i belonged to that skeptical group, the group that shut out all the positives and emphasised all the negatives of NS. but doubling up as an instructor, motivator, consulter, friend, leader, listener and even a joker on top of being merely a superior to my recuits brought a LOT of benefits to me.
my recuits love me, they want to have fun with me, they want to train with me, they want to have everything to do with me. that translates into a good job well done for me. which makes me happy, yes. but most importantly, this is what NS has done for me -- giving me the platform for which i can perform dutifully and letting me recognise that i'm good for something after all. not in my 19 years have i had this kind of opportunity to do so. the fact that the organisation is a very substantial and important one shows that this is no fluke either. the moment i see my recuits i feel a sense of importance, like i'm me and not any other person that i wanted to be in the past. i feel like i am who i am for a reason. i no longer want to be that most popular guy in my studying life or the guy with all the cool sporting medals. i just wanna be me, the guy that led those under him through a phase of their lives.
i have never felt that little compelling feeling before. you know the confabulation that NS is all dark and gloom? well, initially i belonged to that skeptical group, the group that shut out all the positives and emphasised all the negatives of NS. but doubling up as an instructor, motivator, consulter, friend, leader, listener and even a joker on top of being merely a superior to my recuits brought a LOT of benefits to me.
my recuits love me, they want to have fun with me, they want to train with me, they want to have everything to do with me. that translates into a good job well done for me. which makes me happy, yes. but most importantly, this is what NS has done for me -- giving me the platform for which i can perform dutifully and letting me recognise that i'm good for something after all. not in my 19 years have i had this kind of opportunity to do so. the fact that the organisation is a very substantial and important one shows that this is no fluke either. the moment i see my recuits i feel a sense of importance, like i'm me and not any other person that i wanted to be in the past. i feel like i am who i am for a reason. i no longer want to be that most popular guy in my studying life or the guy with all the cool sporting medals. i just wanna be me, the guy that led those under him through a phase of their lives.