A new beginning?

I'm beginning to enjoy bowling again. :)

Contrast

http://lshijie.blogspot.com/2006/05/i-bowled-well-in-yesterdays-bowling.html... This was posted in 2006, when I was still in CJ's bowling team. Reminded myself how much i enjoyed bowling then. Back then, everything was worth it, every sweat and effort. Sometimes I wonder to myself, how did I become like this.

On another note, while looking back at the posts, I found this post too. http://lshijie.blogspot.com/2006/11/happy-birthday.html... And I wonder, how did I manage to lie so blatantly. I obviously wasn't happy due to my immaturity. But how did I act like I was okay. I'm so amazed.

Talked to miss Gina Cheng a while ago, and unknowingly, was brought back to the times I did wrong. The classic line, "I'll live with this regret my whole life" came back to haunt me. It still holds true. If you, the one I let down in the autumn of 2006, are reading this post, coincidentally, please allow me to ask you how you're doing, albeit being 5 years late. Really wanna talk to you again.

Similarly, if you, the one who got married, happen to pass by this post, just for old times sake, leave me a contact? You simply disappeared without a trace. I really wanna know how you're doing too, I really, wanna, know.

Leaving this post with mixed feelings. Will I ever get over my inner demons? Maybe only if those 3 questions above are answered...

I can finally cry.

I can finally cry to acknowledge the worst part of my life so far. But I'm not. Because I don't. But I finally know the genuine feeling of wanting to cry. Why, this realization of not being good enough is really killing me. The egoistic part of me is trying to deny everything and take all in its stride, but the pragmatic part of me has resigned to the fact. No one but one person can understand how I'm feeling right now.

The most pessimistic of the lot can say you're done, but I've never done that before. It's not in me to admit that. No one fucking knows. I create my own impressions. Most often or not, those impressions are the ones that make me look like a 17 year old, immature, headstrong and stubborn boy. I don't deny that I show those qualities, but in my head, I'm thinking what should I do to make myself do something better. This surmounts to me firstly acknowledging the fact that I sucked, and secondly, that I want to change, I want to be better. This extinguishes the idea of all the above qualities. However, this leads back to me having to acknowledge that I'm not good enough. Because I know I've tried.

What's the best solution to knowing you've tried but you're not good at all? That is a question most motivational-poster-lovers will answer with fervor. "Keep working at it and don't give up!". "Don't run away from it. Face the challenge." "One day you'll succeed!" I've heard them all. Tell me that in my face only when you've gone through 10 years of consecutive failures with your loved ones' high hopes, support and eyes on you being squandered again and again, to the point where they just treat another failure as trivial as breathing the air around you. Only then, will you be persuasive enough to even let me even register a breath of what you say. Or else, don't even bother.

I really hope I can extinguish the demons in my head. But this is not as simple as it looks. I really have a lot to do to banish the 10 years of consecutive disappointments from my system. A recording artiste has a song called "live. love. laugh." It really summarizes, for all I am, very well at the moment, for those three things have been sorely missing in my life.

.live,
.love,
.laugh, shijie.

You're just amazing.

You get me speechless every single time. How in the world do you do that? I love it. :)

I had something to say...

You know the feeling when you have something to say, but couldn't? I'm feeling that right now. Tried logging on to MSN to see if that person was awake, and I told myself I'll talk if that person was online, but sadly, she wasn't. Wells, what can I do but to translate my thoughts into song. It sounds terrible (5 years down the road I'll be laughing at myself), but who cares. It's raw, it's unedited, and most importantly, it's my song. It's here just because I wanna archive it. Hais, so much for my positive reputation.


Mesmerised
The stars are contained in the sky
You are contained in my mind
You are the stars of my sky
and I know you're beautiful.

Girl your eyes
twinkle when you talk at me
you do not know
but you get me mesmerised

never felt more stupid in my life
never could answer right
it's just like my mind just stopped
not ticking, not thinking like it should.

but try as I may,
the distance I reach out
is still not enough,
I can't touch you.

You're like a surprise.

A post of inspiration. Thank you, you-know-who. *smiles*.



Its not that I don't wanna talk to you
it's just that I can't think of what to say
you came to me like a bullet train
leaving me with no time to think

you know we all got feelings
yours is a little complicated
don't wanna say the wrong things
and burn the bridges I built with you

well we aren't on the same page anyway
you are like a hundred miles away
i'm not saying that you're bad
it's just that, we don't match
now, now, now, hope you understand


if you wanna leave, say so
I won't hold you back, no no...