I can finally cry.

I can finally cry to acknowledge the worst part of my life so far. But I'm not. Because I don't. But I finally know the genuine feeling of wanting to cry. Why, this realization of not being good enough is really killing me. The egoistic part of me is trying to deny everything and take all in its stride, but the pragmatic part of me has resigned to the fact. No one but one person can understand how I'm feeling right now.

The most pessimistic of the lot can say you're done, but I've never done that before. It's not in me to admit that. No one fucking knows. I create my own impressions. Most often or not, those impressions are the ones that make me look like a 17 year old, immature, headstrong and stubborn boy. I don't deny that I show those qualities, but in my head, I'm thinking what should I do to make myself do something better. This surmounts to me firstly acknowledging the fact that I sucked, and secondly, that I want to change, I want to be better. This extinguishes the idea of all the above qualities. However, this leads back to me having to acknowledge that I'm not good enough. Because I know I've tried.

What's the best solution to knowing you've tried but you're not good at all? That is a question most motivational-poster-lovers will answer with fervor. "Keep working at it and don't give up!". "Don't run away from it. Face the challenge." "One day you'll succeed!" I've heard them all. Tell me that in my face only when you've gone through 10 years of consecutive failures with your loved ones' high hopes, support and eyes on you being squandered again and again, to the point where they just treat another failure as trivial as breathing the air around you. Only then, will you be persuasive enough to even let me even register a breath of what you say. Or else, don't even bother.

I really hope I can extinguish the demons in my head. But this is not as simple as it looks. I really have a lot to do to banish the 10 years of consecutive disappointments from my system. A recording artiste has a song called "live. love. laugh." It really summarizes, for all I am, very well at the moment, for those three things have been sorely missing in my life.

.live,
.love,
.laugh, shijie.