In the car after visiting B's grandfather...
~
B: Nobody should die alone...
A: I know he has Alzheimer's Disease, it's a terrible disease, but you know, at least he doesn't have to live with his regrets, you know, all the mistakes he made, and stuff that he wished he could take back...
B: ... yea... that's true. But i say give me regrets, as long as i could keep the good memories too...
~
so true isn't it.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Work Stress
Somehow after all the shit i've gone through. i still believe that "you reap what you sow". i don't know why. i still keep on trying my best. just need to say that i found out that i'm crippled in my ability to register things fast. i'm always a step behind of others. but i'm trying my best, and i always hope that is enough. apparently it's not.
on the 8th of april, i had to get ready some kind of showbunks for some JC visit, and i think that i did all that i should. eventually my superior found at least 10 more things that could be improved. i didn't know whether i was angry with the recuits or with myself then. i didn't recognise my own efforts anymore. i started blaming myself again for overlooking all the stuff that he found out. "why couldn't i do a better job?", i asked myself. at that point of time i actually thought that a divine voice would descend upon me and tell me the answer, but it only turned out to be a bitter disappointment. again i'm on my own.
maybe now i actually WANT to be alone. because the only companion i get now is disturbing me.
well, at least i think my brother is facing more difficulties than me at the moment. i think i should try my best to help him.
on the 8th of april, i had to get ready some kind of showbunks for some JC visit, and i think that i did all that i should. eventually my superior found at least 10 more things that could be improved. i didn't know whether i was angry with the recuits or with myself then. i didn't recognise my own efforts anymore. i started blaming myself again for overlooking all the stuff that he found out. "why couldn't i do a better job?", i asked myself. at that point of time i actually thought that a divine voice would descend upon me and tell me the answer, but it only turned out to be a bitter disappointment. again i'm on my own.
maybe now i actually WANT to be alone. because the only companion i get now is disturbing me.
well, at least i think my brother is facing more difficulties than me at the moment. i think i should try my best to help him.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Friday, April 03, 2009
It's a Wild World
today's internet tv marathon sparked off a vigorous mental exercise for me. i was watching this show about a group of teenagers struggling to find themselves and with their relationships. i couldn't help but become deeply engrossed in it. perhaps it's because i could really relate to it.
in the show, there's a girl who left her husband for some reasons. however, she realised her mistake and returned to him in the end. however, the husband has already given up on her and their relationship. well, i think i could have been in the shoes of that female character. yes the circumstances would be different but basically the idea would still be the same.
we all have choices we will have to make in times of our lives. the timing, circumstance and obligations all influence how we make those choices. i was a teenager who, like everyone else at that stage, was finding myself and the direction i was heading. i had just got out of a relationship and i had schoolwork to think about. somehow there was too much pressure on my conscience at that time. at the same time, i was scared, for for a retainee in an asian society, there was nothing more important than putting your studies back on track. i was also afraid what i felt was delusional, like a forced feeling to get away from a breakup. i thought about almost everything from every angle. i realised my decision to get attached again was rash... until i felt the emptiness in my life a few months later. it was a feeling i have never felt before, and one that i've been living with since.
CHOICES. a word that comes with great responsibility, because you'll have to live with whatever festers from that choice on, whether you like it or not.
in the show, there's a girl who left her husband for some reasons. however, she realised her mistake and returned to him in the end. however, the husband has already given up on her and their relationship. well, i think i could have been in the shoes of that female character. yes the circumstances would be different but basically the idea would still be the same.
we all have choices we will have to make in times of our lives. the timing, circumstance and obligations all influence how we make those choices. i was a teenager who, like everyone else at that stage, was finding myself and the direction i was heading. i had just got out of a relationship and i had schoolwork to think about. somehow there was too much pressure on my conscience at that time. at the same time, i was scared, for for a retainee in an asian society, there was nothing more important than putting your studies back on track. i was also afraid what i felt was delusional, like a forced feeling to get away from a breakup. i thought about almost everything from every angle. i realised my decision to get attached again was rash... until i felt the emptiness in my life a few months later. it was a feeling i have never felt before, and one that i've been living with since.
CHOICES. a word that comes with great responsibility, because you'll have to live with whatever festers from that choice on, whether you like it or not.