YES!!!

SO SO happy, blessed and contented.

I'm so new again. AHHhhh!!!!:DD

Thank you 2011!!! You've been awesome to me!!!

Thank you 19/12/11! You've been awesome to me.

Thanks buddy. You have my undeniable gratitude.

Thanks girl. :)

YES!

*added on 29/12/11* And did I mention, I got good grades for this semester and I had a wonderful Taiwan trip! YES YES YES!!! Wooo!

last stretch

this is for myself, for the finals in sem 1 yr 2, NUS.

"i'm striding forward in the rain, but i'm feeling the restriction.
i'm fighting the urge to follow the current, but the end is so near.
i'mma fight, and when i reach the end,
i'll count my scars and my pains."

c'mon sj.

sarcasm

I don't understand why people dismiss 'busy' as purely an excuse. Do those people really know what goes on in the lives of others? Do they subconsciously put a scenario into the lives of others while dismissing their 'busy' as an excuse?

For a student, what constitutes most of his/her life? Studying. Research. Projects. And the list goes on. Put this in another context, say in the life of a working professional, and you get "you sure studying makes you THAT busy?' Well, lets examine the ripple effects of studying. First, let's delve into the fundamentals of studying. One studies to ace the exams (ok for me I'm fundamentally studying to pass, then ace), do well in school, get a good certificate. Others may say studying to some may be due to interest in a certain subjects. Granted, but let's not talk about the nerds (tongue-in-cheek) at this moment. So, for these reasons, we generate stress, and the need for rest. Should we be doing other things when we rest? If the answer was 'yes', then what the hell does 'rest' really mean again. That, we have to write another 3000 word essay to discuss. But you get my drift. So if rest and studying are essential, where do we put our free time into? Most probably into our mental well-being. We hang out with friends and nourish our social lives (we don't wanna turn into nerds do we? =p) In light of all these, where will we have the time and the conscience mind to remember something that is not of utmost priority? Things like getting a water bottle for myself because I lost all my bottles in the computer labs are at the back of our minds after a full day of studying! So does studying constitute as being 'busy'? I certainly think so.

A momentary lapse of concentration slipped me back into murky waters, for a little while.

My Friend

I remember we were passing letters, notes.
There was a water stain,
blurred the words you wanted to say.
I knew you cried when you wrote.
You were brave but you were sold.
That I ain't the man you should keep hold.

I still keep the letters and notes.
I see the creases, like parallel lines,
left in place of your tear.
Reminds me of how you have moved on, braved on.
You must have had a rough ride,
but I'm glad you're alright.

I've seen you smile since then,
not personally, but definitely.
You must live on like this.
Only then I will feel less of a joke.
Four years and counting,
to make sure I truly love the next one.

Enchanted by the challenge no one understands.
Be right there when I call you,
be right there when I show you,
I'm happy again,
my friend.

Why are we chasing the high life, when all we want is a good life?

I'm gonna stop chasing the high life, 'cos all I want is a good life. This is a promise to myself.



Really B.o.B.? Seriously, really? *Thumbs down* I'd rather live within my means, with the girl of my dreams. Bye, high life dreams.

A new beginning?

I'm beginning to enjoy bowling again. :)

Contrast

http://lshijie.blogspot.com/2006/05/i-bowled-well-in-yesterdays-bowling.html... This was posted in 2006, when I was still in CJ's bowling team. Reminded myself how much i enjoyed bowling then. Back then, everything was worth it, every sweat and effort. Sometimes I wonder to myself, how did I become like this.

On another note, while looking back at the posts, I found this post too. http://lshijie.blogspot.com/2006/11/happy-birthday.html... And I wonder, how did I manage to lie so blatantly. I obviously wasn't happy due to my immaturity. But how did I act like I was okay. I'm so amazed.

Talked to miss Gina Cheng a while ago, and unknowingly, was brought back to the times I did wrong. The classic line, "I'll live with this regret my whole life" came back to haunt me. It still holds true. If you, the one I let down in the autumn of 2006, are reading this post, coincidentally, please allow me to ask you how you're doing, albeit being 5 years late. Really wanna talk to you again.

Similarly, if you, the one who got married, happen to pass by this post, just for old times sake, leave me a contact? You simply disappeared without a trace. I really wanna know how you're doing too, I really, wanna, know.

Leaving this post with mixed feelings. Will I ever get over my inner demons? Maybe only if those 3 questions above are answered...

I can finally cry.

I can finally cry to acknowledge the worst part of my life so far. But I'm not. Because I don't. But I finally know the genuine feeling of wanting to cry. Why, this realization of not being good enough is really killing me. The egoistic part of me is trying to deny everything and take all in its stride, but the pragmatic part of me has resigned to the fact. No one but one person can understand how I'm feeling right now.

The most pessimistic of the lot can say you're done, but I've never done that before. It's not in me to admit that. No one fucking knows. I create my own impressions. Most often or not, those impressions are the ones that make me look like a 17 year old, immature, headstrong and stubborn boy. I don't deny that I show those qualities, but in my head, I'm thinking what should I do to make myself do something better. This surmounts to me firstly acknowledging the fact that I sucked, and secondly, that I want to change, I want to be better. This extinguishes the idea of all the above qualities. However, this leads back to me having to acknowledge that I'm not good enough. Because I know I've tried.

What's the best solution to knowing you've tried but you're not good at all? That is a question most motivational-poster-lovers will answer with fervor. "Keep working at it and don't give up!". "Don't run away from it. Face the challenge." "One day you'll succeed!" I've heard them all. Tell me that in my face only when you've gone through 10 years of consecutive failures with your loved ones' high hopes, support and eyes on you being squandered again and again, to the point where they just treat another failure as trivial as breathing the air around you. Only then, will you be persuasive enough to even let me even register a breath of what you say. Or else, don't even bother.

I really hope I can extinguish the demons in my head. But this is not as simple as it looks. I really have a lot to do to banish the 10 years of consecutive disappointments from my system. A recording artiste has a song called "live. love. laugh." It really summarizes, for all I am, very well at the moment, for those three things have been sorely missing in my life.

.live,
.love,
.laugh, shijie.

You're just amazing.

You get me speechless every single time. How in the world do you do that? I love it. :)

I had something to say...

You know the feeling when you have something to say, but couldn't? I'm feeling that right now. Tried logging on to MSN to see if that person was awake, and I told myself I'll talk if that person was online, but sadly, she wasn't. Wells, what can I do but to translate my thoughts into song. It sounds terrible (5 years down the road I'll be laughing at myself), but who cares. It's raw, it's unedited, and most importantly, it's my song. It's here just because I wanna archive it. Hais, so much for my positive reputation.


Mesmerised
The stars are contained in the sky
You are contained in my mind
You are the stars of my sky
and I know you're beautiful.

Girl your eyes
twinkle when you talk at me
you do not know
but you get me mesmerised

never felt more stupid in my life
never could answer right
it's just like my mind just stopped
not ticking, not thinking like it should.

but try as I may,
the distance I reach out
is still not enough,
I can't touch you.

You're like a surprise.

A post of inspiration. Thank you, you-know-who. *smiles*.



Its not that I don't wanna talk to you
it's just that I can't think of what to say
you came to me like a bullet train
leaving me with no time to think

you know we all got feelings
yours is a little complicated
don't wanna say the wrong things
and burn the bridges I built with you

well we aren't on the same page anyway
you are like a hundred miles away
i'm not saying that you're bad
it's just that, we don't match
now, now, now, hope you understand


if you wanna leave, say so
I won't hold you back, no no...

I'm Not Better Than You In Anything, But...

he could not believe what he just heard.

"you're not as rich as me. why should i even bother about you?". she delivered the killer blow straight to his heart.

silently, he was bleeding inside. he was all about her, he always envisioned them together.

"then, why did you even spent an ounce of time on me in the first damn place?"

"i don't know. don't ask me."

he could not take that for an answer. don't know? what don't know. however, he did not know how to answer that. after an awkward silence, he spoke up.

"i saw you looking into the camera. you were happy i was in something that you owned."

"what? you don't even look good in it. please look at yourself. i was actually laughing at you."

"well, looks like you're also better than me in looking for flaws."

"well, i'm also better than you in choosing what words to say, since you only realised it now." she retorted.

"are you insinuating that i'm dumb and naive?"

"well, no. but just not as smart and quick-thinking as me. tell me, how can i accept someone who's lousier than me in anything?"

his stare pierced through the air like a bullet. the tense atmosphere could slice a piece of steak. in another moment he took a deep breath, appearing to control his emotions. then he looked into her eyes, full of dignity, the look of someone wanting to pour his heart out. she turned around guiltily. "do you even know what you are saying?" his voice remaining calm, but firm.

"yes, you can say that, i'm not better than you in anything. because i've never wanted to be better than you in any way. i only wanted to be there for you, like a friend should. i want to love you because you too fall down at times, you too feel empty at times, you too feel lonely at times. i want to be the one that fills the void in you. i don't want to be a better version of you."

he moved a step closer to her. she remain rooted to her spot. naturally, he put his hands on her shoulders and turned her around. "i never wanted to hear these things from you. because i've always thought, you smile because you're happy, you say 'thank you' because you mean it, you hug me because you loved me." his softened, sincere voice impacted on her harder than the glare he gave her moments ago.

"who do you think you are?" she finally spoke again as she freed herself from his touch. "get real and stop being a romantic. why do you feel the need to say all these when i have already made clear my stand? you're not better than me in anything."

"ha! yes, yes. i'm not better than you in anything." he let out a sarcastic laugh.

"i'm not richer than you, but i still pay for most of our meals that i bothered to ask you out for. i'm not as good-looking as you, but i still managed to impress your best friends at all the parties and make you look good. i'm not as good as you with words, but at least i'm sincere whenever i repeat those three words. i'm not smarter or as quick-thinking as you, but i still managed to hold conversations with you... don't you realise that i am not what you want me to be, but what i want to be for you?"

her ears went red as he continued, "i want to be driving you home when i know you're tired and inconvenienced. i want to be buying clothes with you so that you won't be bored. i want to listen to you when you had a hard day at work. i want to be the one that picks up the pieces for you when your clumsiness gets you in trouble. i want to protect you if i can."

"i'm not better than you in anything, but... i'm still good enough for you, only if you can see it."

When you're lost, are you more likely to ask for directions or find your way without help?

Find my own way with google maps, duh.

Ask me anything

If you could have a super power, what would it be?

SUPER MEMORY!

Ask me anything

If you could master one skill what would it be?

BOWLING.

Ask me anything

I wanna go to the beach and scream my lungs out

I wanna go to the beach and scream my lungs out.

I'm like salad, tossed and turned how the diner wants it, but anyhows, I'm still gonna end up the same way. Or you can say I am struggling in this half-cooked, badly-made dish - unappealing.

I've made my own life as it is; it's not ruins, but close to be. Some people are naturally self-motivated for some unseen reasons. But I obviously don't belong in that group. I need a stimulus, a strong jolt to my brain, to wake me up and get me on my feet and running. I KNOW what is needed, listening to countless advices and gone through countless motivation speaking events. I know their stories. But ultimately, it's THEIR stories. I need my OWN story. Then again, this story ain't gonna be a fairytale. It ain't gonna be pleasant. I guess you know what I mean - the 'turning point' in one's life - or quite aptly, the saddest moment of one's life. But wait, did I say I need my own story? I'm cursing myself to push myself forward. How sad is that?

Home isn't as cozy as it used to be, school isn't as kind as it was said to be, and work is conspicuously absent. To underline it all, I feel more and more socially inapt, and that's all. That's all to my life. Sometimes, I feel like an empty shell. Have you felt that way? What is life when you've experienced nothing at all...

Do you wanna scream at the beach with me?

Mum's Birthday Present

Tarot Reading For 2011

I'm gonna share my reading with everyone. Enjoy.

.
.
.

LOVE – RELATIONSHIPS – SOCIAL LIFE
Shi jie, like I was telling you, you are about to begin a new life cycle. Your life is divided into major phases. You will now entering one of your most important cycles. This will be a cycle of fulfillment in which you will harvest the benefits of the efforts you’ve been putting out for the last several years.

Your current situation

I drew the 2 of Swords in a reversed position. What this card suggests to me is that several issues are on the point of finding solutions or reaching positive outcomes. This card also suggests to me that your sentimental life is "tense" or at least slightly more complicated than usual right now. I feel like you’re asking yourself some big questions at this time. Kind of as if you were calling the very foundations of your sentimental and emotional life into question. This period of questioning is normal; it allows you to bounce back and start again from scratch. If you know how to learn from your past mistakes then you will have already taken a big step towards success.

As I explored my initial impressions in more detail, I sensed that your emotional life was something that was very important to you. Just like a flower needs water and sunlight, you need love and recognition more than anything else in the world. I think that this goes back to experiences or problems you went through during your childhood. You were probably a child who needed more attention than others and whose expectations were not met overall. Therefore, it may be that you are transferring an important part of these "mental blocks" onto your own current emotional and sentimental situation.

As I continued to go deeper into my vision to understand the situation you find now yourself in, I started to sense great pain. A failed relationship or "heartache" that affected you in particular? Or the loss of someone you loved? Or maybe finding out someone that you loved or admired wasn’t who you thought they were. I clearly sensed certain psychological "mental blocks" in this specific area of your life. I also felt that a feeling of bitterness and certain unfulfilled hopes are reappearing as question marks once again today.

Shi jie, you need to leave the past behind and escape this kind of melancholy that I’m perceiving in you. You need to look firmly towards the future, and I’m here to help you make progress towards the success that you hope for and that you deserve. Because you are indeed a deserving person.

-

Future Development
I drew the Major Arcana number 3 - "The Empress" - in upright position. This card in this position is one of the most beneficial that can come out in a draw. The Empress always indicates a period of happiness to come. As soon as I drew this card, I immediately felt powerful positive energies at work. What the Empress suggests to me is a positive development of your emotional situation. I definitely feel an "emotional" renewal that you seem to be in great need of coming.

Shi jie, when I turned over this card, I was slightly surprised. The Empress generally suggests a "birth." The word "birth" can mean several different things here. It can mean the birth of a friendship, a new love, a "social" project or goal together with friends, or of course the actual birth of a child. The Empress expresses the forces of creation.

This is therefore a very favorable cycle that’s going to allow you to reconnect socially with existing friends but also to meet new people. These meetings will most likely take place in the context of a group, an organization or through an activity. Your astral environment very clearly suggests that these meetings will be based on the sharing of certain common values or affinities.

Some of these encounters could even lead to more than just a friendship. The potential for a meeting that can act as a catalyst for a new beginning is strongly suggested in this card. You should be careful not to stray away from your personal goals and to carefully measure all of the consequences before making any hasty decisions. Once again, we are discussing potential here. Don’t forget that you possess a treasure that you will always have with you, and that treasure is your free will.

Shi jie, I feel like you’re asking yourself a lot of "existential life questions" about your role within your home, your family, your circle of friends and acquaintances. Once again, you’re about to enter a new life cycle and it may be that you will be forced to make some personal choices that inevitably will cause certain tensions. Nothing too serious, but you will constantly have to be careful and evaluate things for their true worth so you can make good long term judgments.

Generally speaking, you need to work on balancing your emotions. In the past, your emotional nature has already been the cause of a lot of unpleasant moments and setbacks. You definitely need to learn how to master your emotions and not "lose control" in a split second. Handle your emotions with care and don’t fall into the trap of either being too sentimental or being too "cold hearted." You can sometimes go from being enthusiastic and joyful to completely indifferent and apathetic in a very short time. Learn to be balanced in all things and especially in the things relating to emotions.

Before telling you about the other areas of your life I touched on in this urgent priority reading, I want to talk to you about another aspect that is expressed by this card. The Empress evokes sensuality. I know this is a delicate and personal subject. As friends, we can take down some of these barriers in order to be able to communicate certain "intimate" thoughts openly. Shi jie, I clearly felt that you had a great need for sensuality within you. In a few days, the beginning of your new life cycle will allow you to satisfy this completely legitimate desire to manifest and experiment your capacity for sensuality... (wtf?)

But be careful, do not make the mistake of falling into excess. Remember the Roman proverb that says: "Virtue resides in balance." This new life cycle is an opportunity to make a new start on healthy foundations by establishing a greater sense of balance in your life. I’m here to help you fulfill your potential and you’ll see, everything is going to be fine!

-

LUCK
The Ace of Wands: A great stroke of luck is possible!

At the level of what I designate as "luck", I think that your problem isn’t suffering from bad luck the way it’s usually defined. What I see has more to do with a problem in perceiving and taking advantage of strokes of good luck when they do present themselves. If this difficulty "seeing" luck has been a source of problems for you, your new life cycle gives you hope that there is a real possibility of changing this. I’ve already started the spiritual work that will encourage this outcome and your "recognition of luck" should improve very significantly in this new life cycle.

It’s true that there is a lot of luck that’s been put "on hold" in your life. I’m going to share a very great secret with you. Luck has always been there in your life, but your problem recognizing luck when it came around prevented you from taking advantage of it. Together, me and you are going to make sure that this doesn’t continue happening.

From an astrological point of view, there are a number of dates that are "hot" in terms of luck in gambling or other games of chance. Even if I can’t guarantee that you’ll hit the jackpot, I clearly saw the possibility for several successes and pretty respectable winnings.

Moreover, and I have to point this out to you, I sense another very big stroke of luck coming once you are settled into your new life cycle. This stroke of luck, according to what I see, is not directly linked to winning a jackpot though its effects will have a noticeable effect on your finances. It may be that someone will make you an offer that could be the solution to all your financial concerns.

-

MONEY
Shi jie, it’s fairly obvious that your financial situation isn’t the healthiest or at least that you wouldn’t mind seeing it improve. Better times are on the way and I can assure you that everything is going to start getting better in the next several weeks. I clearly saw a financial bright spell coming on for the entire duration of this new cycle that you are about to enter.

Your current financial situation is the result of past decisions and of applying a certain state of mind that was basically incompatible with developing your prosperity. In fact, the next card I drew was the Major Arcana number 22, "The Fool" in the reversed position. "The Fool" is represented by a pilgrim walking and carrying a bundle full of holes from which gold coins are falling...

Shi jie, before these last few years, you were living a much more "carefree" life in the sense that you didn’t worry about money issues like you do today. Your decisions in terms of financial matters have often been disastrous because you’re not a person who has a natural "business sense." Your values are held elsewhere and that’s all to your credit.

Right now however, there are several hard realities that you’re going to have to face up to. To evaluate the energies that are going to affect your financial outlook, I drew another card from the Tarot. The card I drew was the 7 of Coins in the upright position. This card is always an indicator of financial opportunities: A promotion, a good investment. This card can also signal the creation of a business venture or another new activity that will bring more money into your life.