Somehow after all the shit i've gone through. i still believe that "you reap what you sow". i don't know why. i still keep on trying my best. just need to say that i found out that i'm crippled in my ability to register things fast. i'm always a step behind of others. but i'm trying my best, and i always hope that is enough. apparently it's not.
on the 8th of april, i had to get ready some kind of showbunks for some JC visit, and i think that i did all that i should. eventually my superior found at least 10 more things that could be improved. i didn't know whether i was angry with the recuits or with myself then. i didn't recognise my own efforts anymore. i started blaming myself again for overlooking all the stuff that he found out. "why couldn't i do a better job?", i asked myself. at that point of time i actually thought that a divine voice would descend upon me and tell me the answer, but it only turned out to be a bitter disappointment. again i'm on my own.
maybe now i actually WANT to be alone. because the only companion i get now is disturbing me.
well, at least i think my brother is facing more difficulties than me at the moment. i think i should try my best to help him.
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