freedom


sweet. the planned new building to be erected at ground zero, new york, called the 'freedom tower'... it should be called a 'freedom syringe' instead. but nice structure nonetheless. hope it doesnt get targeted like its predecessor!

first times

anyway, seems like everything became so nice and relieving and relaxed after the mid years. this is the first time i actually felt like this, and i actually enjoyed it.

this is the first time in my life that i actually really bothered to worry about exams and stuff. there's many many other 'first-times' that i really regretted not doing last year. i have never felt so scared and worried for my own future in my past 16 rotton years of life (yea, if only i had..). i felt i finally got away from my comfort zone and for the first time, really pushed myself to achieve my academic capabilities.

i finally realised that i'm not only living this life of mine for myself. yes and i'm happy that i finally banished this selfish thought of mine. for every person that think they do not have enough freedom from their parents, there will be one who prays for a mum or dad that cares more for him/her. i belong the latter in the advanced stages of my teens.

it's getting emotional

BUT, i finally realised that i have been silently placed in my parents' hearts all this while, and they have been wishing the best for me for all my exams even though they always put me down when they tell me,"aiya, every time ask you, you keep saying you studied and tried your best, dunno real anot. your 'best' is always fail one.." even though this time i really studied. the first time i really saw my parents cry was last year when i told them in a formal family meeting (without my brothers) that i had to retain. my mum teared and went up to her room and slammed the door. my dad stood motionlessly on the couch, as in shock. at that moment i knew exactly what it is meant by 'disappointing your parents'. i told myself not to disappoint them academically anymore. i finally felt my parents' concern for me. i felt loved.

post-mortem

so, yea. there's another first. this time i really think that i was well-prepared for the exams, save for some exam nerves. i felt good. but if only i realised all these last year, i wouldn't have to waste a year... well, now i'm only hoping for acknowledgement for all my hard work i've put in this year, so that i would not let myself and more importantly, my parents down. and i know i will see good. :)